Kate's Journal
by nalimom
Summary: Kate Beckett tries to work through her demons by writing them down in a journal.
1. Chapter 1

I would never admit it to Castle, but I smiled when I saw his name on the caller ID. I needed a break from the tedium of writing reports.

That's not right. My shrink told me that if I am not completely honest with myself in this journal, it will never do me any good. Fine. Here goes.

I had been looking at his empty chair, wishing he was there. I missed him. Damn it.

As he told me about his day with his mother, I couldn't hold back the smile. I know how crazy she can make him and the thought of him, sitting there while she argued with the bank manager, made me laugh. When he told me that he thought the bank was about to be robbed… I thought he was kidding. I rolled my eyes and basically told him he was full of it. And then it happened.

When I realized that he was truly in danger… I felt like my heart stopped. I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't breathe. All I could think was that I had to get him out of there. He had to be OK.

The hours while he was being held inside that bank are a blur. I remember being incredibly proud when he managed to send us his Morse code message. I remember the look in his eyes as we worked together to get the "epileptic" out of there. As our eyes were locked, I just kept hearing his words as he bent over me in the cemetery. I wanted to tell him that I knew. I wanted to tell him that I felt it too. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hug him tight. Instead I did my damn job. I did my job and I left him there. My heart was in my throat as I walked out that door. I had confidence that he would keep control of the situation, but my mind kept picturing the worst.

And then I read the note. Everything after that is a faster blur, with brief flashes of detail.

I do remember that when Trapper John held the gun to his throat… my hands are shaking now just remembering. I meant every word I said. I would have not rested until I gunned him down. Shit.

I remember the blast vividly. The whole world seemed to freeze for a second and then move in slow motion. I felt like I was sleep walking in some crazy nightmare. I stormed in the door with the rest of the team, frantically screaming his name. All pretense of cool cop went out the window as I stumbled over rubble to search for him.

When I heard his voice… I don't remember running to the gate. I don't remember getting inside. I remember seeing his face and feeling my heart almost pounding out of my chest. All I wanted to do was climb over him and kiss him. Really kiss him. I had to touch him, so I settled for his jacket. He was so warm under my fingers.

"How are you?" Not, "Thank God you're OK." Not, "I couldn't have gone on without you." Not, "I love you." I said, "How are you?"

What is wrong with me? Even after everything we have been through, even after all the times we have cheated death… why can't I tell him how I feel?

I watched him hug his family and wanted so much to be a part of it. They have everything I have ever wanted. The warmth and the love is infectious. I watched him stroke his daughter's hair and wished he was doing the same to mine. I wanted to rush over to them and wrap my arms around them all. I wanted to lose myself in the love and never come out. I wanted to kiss Castle and tell him that I could not have gone on if I had lost him. I wanted to tell him that he mattered more to me than anything else. I wanted to tell him that I longed for him, that I ached to be near him.

Instead, I walked away to see what Ryan and Esposito had discovered.

I watched Castle carefully for the rest of the day, looking for any sign that he was not dealing as well with everything as he pretended to be. I saw flashes. Flashes of something in his eyes. Fear? Worry? He would notice me watching him and put on a brave face, smiling and returning to the task at hand… protecting a scared woman and her child.

When we got word that our killer was in custody and everyone was safe, I momentarily forgot my own insecurities and emotional instability to breathe a sigh of relief. I was very proud, at that moment, of my team and the work we do. For once, we had saved a life instead of only tracking down a criminal who had taken life. It was gratifying. I felt alive. I felt excited.

I looked over at Castle and I wanted to hug him. I almost did. I looked at him and knew that I needed to share this with him. I, selfishly, I suppose, didn't want him to go home to his family. I wanted him to stay. Stay for tonight. Hell, stay forever.

Naturally, instead of asking him to come home with me, I asked him to have a drink… at his own bar. Way to go, Kate. When he offered his alternative, how could I refuse?

Castle insisted on coming with me to my apartment so I could get changed. I pretended to argue, but the truth is that I didn't want him out of my sight. Not for a minute. As we drove, my mind was reeling. It was as though everything I had been denying about myself and my feelings for Castle was suddenly so… undeniable. I wanted to tell him. The words kept running through my mind. Over and over, I thought, I love you. I felt the words on my lips. I took a breath to say it at least a dozen times, but didn't. Instead, as he looked in my direction, waiting for me to speak my mind, I smiled weakly and quickly looked away.

What is wrong with me?

I cleaned up and changed as quickly as I could because I knew that Martha and Alexis were waiting for us. I would never admit it anywhere but here, but I did linger in the shower a little longer than necessary, daydreaming about Castle waiting on the other side of the door. My imagination was working overtime, imagining him, going crazy with desire, sneaking into the bathroom and climbing into the shower behind me.

Let's just say it was distracting.

I like to think that when I came out to the living room, thoughtfully dressed and coiffed to look perfectly casual, that Castle took a long, appreciative look.

"Sorry that took so long." I said with a forced "carefree" smile, loving his attention. "Ready?"

As we walked to the door, he placed his hand on my lower back and I sighed. It felt so good. His hand was strong and so warm. I felt his warmth radiating out from the place where his fingertips touched me, making me shiver with pleasure. God, I love the way he makes me feel.

I pretended to be cold and grabbed a sweater from the rack by the door. Damn it, I am a chicken. What is wrong with me?

Anyway, the evening at the Castle home was perfect. The food, while excessive, was wonderful. It was so comforting after the roller coaster of a day we had all spent. I looked around the table and was overcome with how much I care for everyone seated there.

Alexis is my fantasy daughter. I love when Castle talks to me about their conversations and their problems. I am sure she doesn't know how much we discuss her and I know she has no idea how much she means to me. There have been times I have thought about what it would be like… to be a family. Her family.

Martha. How do I describe Martha? She is loud and flamboyant and fabulous and kind and loving and supportive. She is so unlike and so like my own mother in so many ways, and she has become the mother that I need desperately. I can't believe how emotional I am as I think about her. I have come to need her as much as I need… Castle.

Oh, Castle. I need Castle. Sometimes he is so annoying. He can be infuriating. And then he can be so like his mother, and his daughter. Brilliant, caring, thoughtful, compassionate. He is a great father; a great man. He is everything I never thought I needed in a partner. He is the perfect friend, knowing when to push and when to step back. He is my best friend. He is the person I cannot imagine my life without. I looked over at him and he gave me a genuine smile and placed his hand over mine. The lump that arose in my throat almost prevented me from speaking as I excused myself.

I walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I wiped away the few tears that had escaped on my way up the stairs. I stood there, breathing deeply and thinking about the day. Two of the three people downstairs almost died today. Two of those three people I love were almost taken from me.

I write that word so easily. Love. Why can't I say it?

I felt his presence behind me before I looked up and saw him in the mirror.

"Are you OK?" he asked, emotion naked in his eyes. He placed a hand on my shoulder and, this time, I know he felt the shiver.

I turned to look at him, so desperate to say what I was feeling, but I couldn't. I was so frustrated that I started to cry again very quietly. He didn't say anything. He just took a step forward and wrapped his arms around me. I melted against him and held him close against me. I will never forget the feeling of his lips against my forehead as he kissed it then pressed his cheek in the spot. We stayed there for a long time, swaying on the spot, until Martha's voice came up the stairs, telling us dessert was ready.

"Is she serious?" I asked. I was so full I thought I might explode.

Castle tipped my chin up so he could look into my eyes. I thought he was going to kiss me. Actually I hoped so, but he didn't. Instead he placed his hand flat against my cheek. I closed my eyes and loved the feel of his thumb making tiny circles on my skin. It felt so good. It felt right.

I slowly opened my eyes and press a very gently kiss to his lips. When I pulled away from him, he touched my arm, softly asking me to stay where I was. The look in his eyes was startling. They were so full of emotion and longing. I don't remember anything but those eyes and then the feel of his mouth on mine again. His kiss was soft and slow but so wrought with emotion that I felt my kneed giving way beneath me. His arms wrapped around my waist got tighter as he felt me waiver.

When he released me, he kept his hands on my hips for a moment before stepping back.

"Castle…" I began, not sure what I was going to say. I wanted to kiss him again… a lot, but I was also terrified of how I was feeling. It could have so easily spiraled out of control.

He silenced me with a finger placed against my lips. I met his eyes. He was smiling widely. He brushed the finger across my lips very lightly, making my heart beat even faster than it already was. He pressed his forehead to mine and whispered, "Come on. Dessert is waiting."

I'm so afraid as I sit here thinking about that time together in his guest bathroom. Terrified. I'm terrified of where this could lead. I'm terrified that we will both be too scared to see where it could lead. When we said good night, he kissed my cheek and looked deeply into my eyes. I know he wanted to say something more, but he held back. I held his hand until the elevator doors opened. I wanted to say more, but held back.

There I was, after a wonderful evening with the man I love and his family, whom I love, and I couldn't say it… What is wrong with me?

The shrink says this journal will help. So far all it does is make me relive my moments of weakness and my fears. It makes the wounds a little more… raw. I don't see how reliving everything so vividly is going to help, but he's the professional. I'll give it a chance because I want to get better. I want to move on from this place in my life. I want to be able to give myself over to him… to love him without reserve. I want to let myself be happy. He could make me so happy. He does make me happy… as much as I can allow. I want to know what it is to love completely. I want to be the person he deserves.

So I'll give the shrink a chance to fix me. I want to get better.


	2. Chapter 2

How can I be such a selfish bitch? It is always about me. My loss. My pain. My needs. I sit back, knowing he loves me and making him wait because I am… what?. Scared? Stupid? The shrink keeps telling me that we're making progress but on days like this, I find it hard to believe.

We all went to Castle's bar to celebrate closing the case. It was very loud upstairs so Ryan, Jenny, Esposito, Lanie, Castle and I all took our drinks down to Castle's office. We were having a great time, playing cards and goofing off. Lanie left first, pretending she had a date. She winked at me on the way out, confirming my suspicion that she was just trying to make Espo jealous. It worked. He left shortly after, looking miserable.

Jenny and Ryan stayed a while longer and we shared a bottle of wine. It was so comfortable. Jenny and Kevin. Castle and me. It was like two couples enjoying a night out, except… we're not a couple. I kept reminding myself of that.

Why aren't we a couple again? Right. Because I'm a disaster.

Anyway, after the wine, Kevin and Jenny excused themselves, leaving Castle and me alone. There was definite tension in the air. He kept looking at me like he wanted to say something. Hell, I knew what he wanted to say. I wanted him to say it in a setting where I could not pretend I didn't hear. I wanted it and feared it desperately. As he poured me a fresh glass of wine, our eyes met. Surely he could see how I felt. His feelings were so naked in his expression, it was captivating. He took a breath, held my gaze… he had me on pins and needles. Then he turned and went back to his chair. I felt like I had been bunched in the stomach.

How is it I can feel such a sense of loss when he does that? I'm the one holding him back. He is being a gentleman and respecting my limits. Limits I made very clear when I told him about my emotional wall. Damn him for being so considerate of my feelings. If I ever wanted the old, selfish Castle to rear his head, it was tonight.

Instead he changed the subject. He started talking about how crazy Martha was making him with the renovations to her school. He mentioned the money she was spending and my mind immediately went back to that horrible day when they had been held hostage in the bank. I looked at my wine, picturing the scene. Feeling the terror of losing them. Of losing him.

"Hey." He said, bringing me back to the present. "You're pale. Are you OK?"

I tried to wipe the tears away before our eyes met. He saw right through me. He wouldn't let me look away. He wouldn't let me change the subject. He knelt next to me and touched my hand… I turned into a quivering mess.

"What's wrong?" He asked again, clutching my hand.

I couldn't resist. "I was thinking about the bank." I said.

His eyes urged me on.

"You can't imagine what it was like." I had trouble speaking for a minute. "When that bank exploded… I can't come up with the words to tell you how I felt." I looked down at my hands and they were shaking. "You could never understand…" I said stupidly.

He stood up suddenly. "Couldn't I?" He asked so loudly that I jumped just a little bit. "I don't suppose you remember a time when I was frantically calling you from the street outside your apartment?

Tears filled my eyes.

"Me, standing outside your building as it exploded?"

I stood and walked over next to him. Somehow I found the guts to put my hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

He turned and looked at me. If I hadn't already been in love with him, the look in his eyes would have done it. He pushed up his sleeve and showed me a burn scar. I couldn't help but cry. How could I have forgotten that night? He had broken my door down, burning himself in the process, to try and save me from the fire.

How could I have forgotten? He had rushed across town to warn me. He had stood outside as my place blew up. He had put his life at risk to get me out of the fire. As my tears fell unchecked, I ran my fingers over the burn. He covered my hand with his and brought it up to his lips.

His voice sent flutters through me as he almost whispered. "Trust me when I tell you that every ounce of terror and despair that you felt is nothing compared to how I felt when I thought I had lost you forever." He took me by the shoulders and kissed me. It was a desperate kiss. Hard, fast… and wonderful. When he released me, he walked to the stairs and didn't look back.

I stood there, crying and kicking myself for hurting him, again. Why can't I ever think of anyone ahead of myself? Why can't I think of his feelings first? I guess if I ever figure it out we can have a chance for real happiness.

I want to be able to be there for him the way he has always been there for me.


	3. Chapter 3

I asked for help today. I had to.

I fought it. I tried to cope on my own. I ignored my friends' offers of support. In classic Kate Beckett style, I pushed them all away and tried to deal with everything on my own… until I almost came apart.

I was scared. I thought I knew what it meant to be out of control when I first started working my mother's case, but the emotions coming to the surface as we worked this case were… way beyond my ability to cope. Every sound was magnified to a terrifying level. Every movement I saw out of the corner of my eye was a sniper taking aim at my heart again. Nothing eased the panic. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think straight.

I kept remembering the sound of the shot. No. That's not right. I remembered the shock and the confusion as I felt the bullet tearing its way through my flesh and then hearing the sound of the gunshot. It wasn't until I hit the ground, Castle on top of me, that the reality of what had happened dawned on me. At that moment, it was his voice that kept me in the moment as long as I could possibly hold on.

Not this time. This time net even Castle's voice could pull me back from the edge of disaster.

I tried going to the shrink, but I ignored his advice. I tried to do it all on my own. I failed.

I know that Castle pushed Espo into talking to me. He hasn't said anything, but I know him. I know him almost as well as he knows me. He couldn't sit by and watch me come apart at the seams. The only surprising thing is that he wasn't in the evidence locker with us. In fact, I am really surprised at how he managed to stand back and let me find my way back from the brink. I would say it is unlike him, but that's not true. He understood what I needed and he put aside his own needs to make sure I got it. That is completely like him and it is something I have greatly undervalued in our relationship.

I know he was right outside that stairwell door as I melted down. Where else would he be? As I sat there on the floor, hysterical and feeling a level panic I never believed possible, I heard him calling my name. I'm sure I heard his fist hitting the wall. If I had been in my right mind, knowing what I know about his feelings… and feeling what I feel for him when my mind isn't addled by paralyzing fear, I would have felt very guilty for pushing him away. Hell, I feel very guilty now. But at the time, I couldn't think. It was taking everything I had to keep the smallest grip on reality.

My talk with Espo was a turning point, one for which I am sure I can thank Castle. I know Espo did the talking and identified with my PTSD, but at the same time, I doubt he would have brought me into that room without Castle's urging.

Touching that rifle was the hardest thing I have done in my life, but it helped to wrap my head around the reality of what we were facing. Flesh and blood. It wasn't some Boogieman waiting for me in the dark corners. It helped me to get back to doing what I am good at. I catch bad guys. My team and I catch murderers. Real, honest to God "damaged goods" people who kill. I owe Espo, and Castle, for that realization.

I felt the self doubt and the weakness come rushing in as I failed to climb to the roof of the building where our killer targeted his victim, until I realized why he hadn't climbed the ladder either. I felt that familiar rush as I provided the evidence which led us to our sniper. It was as though my pain actually helped clear my mind.

I owe Espo big time. He saved my ass twice. Once metaphorically. The other very literally.

When the case was closed, I spent a lot of time thinking about my life. I spent a lot of time thinking about the people who care about me and about how I don't deserve them. What Espo said is so true. I am damaged goods. I've been damaged goods since the day my mother was killed. I haven't been able to see it because I was so focused on my mother's murder.

I am so damaged that I haven't been able to let myself explore my feelings for Castle. I have been so afraid of losing focus… but focus on what? Focus on vindicating my mother at the expense of everyone I care about… hell, everyone I love? I hardly see my father. I haven't spent a ladies' night with Lanie since before the shooting. I haven't been there for Espo even though I can see how much he is hurting. I pretend I am busy every time Kevin and Jenny ask me to dinner.

And then there's Castle. I don't even know where to start the list of ways I have taken him for granted.

It has to change.

I have to change.

The doc is right. Mom is dead and gone. I need to worry about the living. I need to worry about letting myself down. I need to let me be happy. I need to let myself live in the present. I need to stop letting myself down.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm not sure how to sum up today. I think it is safe to say it was the strangest day of my life. Don't get me wrong. It was terrifying. I'm sure there will be an odd nightmare here and there about women in cages or human trafficking or… being eaten by tigers. I don't know if it is due to exhaustion or the aftereffects of the tranquilizer but I am having trouble sorting things out in my mind.

It's funny, the tricks your mind can play on you. When I woke up in the dark room, I was very confused for a moment. I lay there with my eyes closed, trying to make sense of the sounds and the smells around me. At first it was all so foreign, but then I felt him next to me. I caught his scent in the air, wafting toward me and I got a knot in my stomach. I turned and I saw him lying next to me, his head resting on my arm. I remember feeling very happy for a moment, wanting to creep closer and kiss him… a lot. If I hadn't heard the water dripping and echoing strangely through the room, I might have actually done it, but instead I opened my eyes wider and tried to focus through the pitch blackness.

When I woke Castle, still trying to shake the haze out of my head, it was obvious that he had the same initial thought I had. He begged me to stay in bed and go back to sleep in a voice that made me warm all over. When I tried again to get him up, he looked over at me a smile. If we had been somewhere else, anywhere else, that smile could have convinced me to do just about anything. Instead sensibility won out. Damn It.

I try so hard to be in control of everything… always. Not knowing where we were or how we got there made me completely insane. (I probably shouldn't say that in a journal I am keeping for my psychiatrist.) Not knowing, not remembering… it was like reaching for something and having it yanked away at the last moment. Over and over again. As Castle and I tried to work through the day and figure out what the hell had happened to us, I felt the panic rising.

We worked through the flashes. The hotel. The body. The truck driver. The piece of the envelope. The house. The old woman in the cage. My head was swimming. I couldn't quite grab on to the sequence. My headache was almost blinding. I needed to wrap my head around the events. I needed some piece of reality, some piece of the now to bring it all into focus.

As he so frequently does, Castle made it clear. It wasn't anything he said. It was his hand on my bare skin that did it. I felt the warmth of his palm against my skin and the jolt of electricity was immediate and… I'm not sure how to put it into words.

How do I describe what happens when we touch? It's always overwhelming. There is this exchange of something. Energy? Communication? Emotion. All I know is that when he touches me… everything around me stops. It is just a second, but it is real… and when things restart, I think more clearly. This is the first time I have confessed that anywhere. Funny. Maybe my shrink is on to something with this journal.

I'm not easily scared, but I'm not ashamed that I was shaking in my boots while we were exploring that room. The freezer full of bloody knives and chains and Castle's Saw comment had my wheels spinning in all the wrong directions. It was almost a relief when we heard the voices outside and made the assumption that they were human traffickers. That was something tangible that we could fight.

The fight wasn't what we expected.

We both went into full on rescue mode when we thought there was a girl in the next room. My heels are still throbbing from kicking through that wall, and my heart pounds when I remember that tiger's face staring back at us. We both went into survival mode, frantically trying to figure out a way out of that room before we were eaten. I have to say that when Ryan and Esposito opened that hatch in the ceiling… the sense of relief was indescribable.

I happily took mu gun and my badge, not to mention the cuff keys. I also took my tongue lashing from the captain, understanding her frustration at having to track down Castle and me. In true cop fashion, I thanked Ryan and Esposito with a snide remark which translated to "I owe you my life." They made their own remark with meant, "We know you'd have done the same." And they are right. I would have done anything to find them and bring them home safely.

Back at the station, after statements were signed and bad guys were locked away, I couldn't resist yanking Castle's chain, so to speak. His comment about getting hitched did make me flutter a bit, but I know mine about "next time we're handcuffed…" Let's just say I know he was standing at attention.

I can't remember ever being this tired in my life. I'm going to soak in a tub… for a week.


	5. Chapter 5

This was one of those times when I felt like I was coming apart at the seams.

The horror of the bombing was all around me. I looked at the shoes next to my bed and I saw the body parts littering the sidewalk. I smelled the coffee in the kitchen and I thought of the witnesses who barely escaped the carnage by choosing that moment to get an espresso from the truck across the park.

I came home to my empty apartment and the aloneness was oppressive. I thought of the families of the victims. Their emptiness will never go away. Mine is self imposed. All I would have to do is say the word… three words, actually… and I could change everything. I could never be lonely again… if I could tell him.

I turned my phone over and over in my hands, wanting so badly to hear Castle's voice. I started to dial, picturing him, as I so often do, sitting in his big leather chair in his office, speaking softly to me… saying my name in the way that makes me shiver. Then I pictured him in the precinct, looking at me so coldly. I don't know what I have done in the last few days to make him so… what? Angry? Maybe. Hurt? I think so.

Tears fell as I realized for that, for the first time in years, my call would not be welcomed. The one person I knew could help me work through all my demons doesn't want to be near me. I threw my phone at the couch and sat on the floor, my back against the wall and cried.

I am not a crier. I don't cry. Tonight I cried like a fool. A fool who has lost her best friend.

When I finally managed to collect myself, I decided to try and wash the day away in the tub. As I soaked in the warm water I tried to figure out what exactly I had done to upset Castle. We had both been emotionally effected by the scene of the bombing. The witness interviews had been some of the hardest I have ever had to do and I am not ashamed to admit that having Castle by my side gave me the extra strength I needed to get through.

We had a moment of… something… when he asked to talk to me. The intensity of emotion in his eyes made me dizzy, but, as usual, we were interrupted. And then, somewhere between the intimacy of that moment and… when? When did he change?

He was fine when Gates asked him to go over all of the witness statements. He was fine when he left for the day. He brought my usual coffee the next morning, but it was very strange that he had gone before he saw me. Come to think of it, that's when it started. When he came back to the station, he could hardly look at me.

I thought about the coffee, just the way I like it, waiting on my desk. Obviously he had thought of me on the way to the precinct. He doesn't love coffee the way I do and would have made due with a cup from the break room. He brought it to me. No. He left it on my desk. Why hadn't he brought it to me? He always comes to find me when he gets to the station. What had I been doing that he wouldn't come to me?

I tried to trace my day backward in my mind. Witness interviews. Briefings to the Captain. The suspect. I suddenly realized how cold the bath had gotten when I remembered my time in that interview. I got out of the tub, wrapped in my robe and sat on the edge of the tub with my head in my hands.

He had been listening when I was interrogating the pickpocket. He had to have been. It's the only thing that makes sense. The interview replayed in my mind.

He had claimed he couldn't remember. I felt sick as I imagined Castle behind the one way mirror.

It was difficult to breathe as I remembered telling the suspect that he was full of it. Tears welled as I remembered telling him that I remember every second of my shooting. My eyes burned at the realization.

Castle knew.

That's why he's acting so distant.

He knows I've been lying to him.

Shit.

What do I do now? How to I tell him? How do I explain in a way that will make him understand? How do I make things go back to the way they were?

I walked back to the living room and retrieved my phone. I pulled up his number and stared at his picture. What could I say? How could I make him see? It couldn't happen over the phone. I had to see him.

I rushed to my bedroom, dressed and headed to his place before I lost my resolve. I don't remember much about the trip over. Just that it was dark and I seemed to hit every stop light. I parked illegally and walked through the lobby. The doorman waved and didn't question my arrival. God knows, he has seen me come and go at all hours. I'm sure he thought this was a booty call. That was the first thing that has made me smile since the bombing.

When the elevator door opened and I found myself staring at Castle's door, my mind raced. I didn't know what I was going to say. What could I say?

"I love you and I have been too screwed up to be able to admit it? I lied because I am trying to work through my scars and I can't handle it? "

It took me months to say it to my shrink. How could I look Castle in the eyes and say the words? I took a deep breath and blew it out, trying to calm the butterflies, because if I didn't tell him, it could mean the end of everything. Our partnership. Our friendship. The possibilities for … whatever.

I thought I heard voices inside and almost turned and ran away, imagining that he had company. Instead, I rang the doorbell. I held my breath until the door was opened… by Alexis. I smiled, genuinely happy to see her. I had liked Alexis from the moment I met her, but in that moment, if for no other reason than she wasn't another woman in his life, I loved her.

She hugged me quickly and stepped aside to let me in, then looked in the kitchen at her father. She made a thin excuse and went up to her room, leaving Castle and me to our thoughts. She gave me a smile as she went, squeezing my hand softly.

When I turned to Castle, he was leaning against the counter in his kitchen, sipping a beer.

"What are you doing here?" He asked. There was no anger in his voice, but there was no warmth either.

I walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter opposite him. "I need to talk to you." He wouldn't meet my eyes.

"So talk." He sipped.

"Can I have one of those?" I asked, hoping to break through the icy shell.

"Is that why you're here? For a beer?"

I stared into his eyes looking for a glimmer of warmth or welcome. Instead I saw pain. I felt sick to my stomach. "No." I finally admitted. "No. I didn't come for a beer." He didn't say anything as I approached him and leaned against the counter, our shoulders just touching. We stood in silence for a long time before I said, "Missed you today."

"Yeah, well, I had a lot of reports to read."

"I appreciated the coffee." I watched the muscles clenching in his jaw. "I wish you had delivered it in person."

Castle didn't say anything.

"Coffee with you is always a bright spot in my day." I waited for him to look in my direction. "A lot of days, it is the brightest spot." I leaned a little more weight against his shoulder, loving the feel of him. "Some days it is the only thing that gets me out of bed." I braced myself and touched his hand softly. "You're important to me, Castle."

He swallowed another sip of beer and looked away.

"I know I'm hard to get close to." I said softly. "I know I am an emotional wreck." My eyes welled with tears, but I fought to hold them back. "I know I have expected you to stand by and wait for me to figure out what I need. I have asked you for more patience than I had any right to ask."

He looked into my eyes and, for the first time today, I saw the love underneath the pain. The love I had known about for months. The love I had expected to be there no matter how selfishly I treated him. No matter how long I asked him to wait.

I leaned over and whispered in his ear. "Please don't give up on me, Rick." I rested my forehead against his temple, feeling a rush of heat where our skin met. "Please." I said again. The words 'I love you' sat on the tip of my tongue, but I just couldn't bring myself to say them. I tried, but my throat closed around the words. Tears of frustration fell as I thought the words, over and over. 'I love you.' I thought. 'I love you. I love you.' Instead, I pressed a soft hiss to his cheek and whispered, "I'm really trying, Rick. Please don't give up on me."

For what felt like forever, he didn't do anything. He just stood there with my lips inches away from his skin, not moving. My stomach was tied in a tight knot as it dawned on me that I had waited too long, that I had pushed him too far. He needed to protect himself, just as I had tried to do for so long.

When I felt his arms wrap slowly around me, I came unglued. As he pulled me against him, and his scent wrapped around me, I buried my head against his chest. "Please don't give up on me." I whispered again.

"I'm won't give up." His words sounded a little forced as he rested his head against the top of mine. "But you don't make it easy."

I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and he brushed tears from my cheeks. I pressed my hand against his face, needing to keep the connection.

"Sometimes, Kate, you make it damn near impossible."

"I know."

"I mean it."

"I know." I leaned in close to his ear. "Please tell me we're OK?" I think I felt him shiver a little at my breath met his skin.

He pushed me away far enough that he could look into my eyes. He blew out a big sigh and shook his head slowly. I felt a sudden wave of nausea as I worried about what he might say. If he asked me to leave and never come back, I would… but I would never be the same. I don't know if I could ever get past my emotional scars without his friendship. Without his love.

I took a shuddering breath and took a step back, looking at the floor. I was trying to keep it together long enough to get out of the apartment, feeling as though I should turn and run.

"Hey." He said as he touched my chin and tipped my head up until our eyes met. "To be honest, I'm not sure where we are."

I felt a tear burn its way down my cheek. 'I love you.' I kept repeating in my head. Why couldn't I get my mouth to say the words?

"You are infuriating." His frustration was obvious.

I couldn't speak. My heart was hammering in my ears.

"You make me so angry sometimes. So crazy." He gripped my shoulders. "The fact of the matter is that, in spite of your flaws…" The hint of a smile touched his lips, lifting my mood. "I'm not ready to let you go."

I was overwhelmed with emotion and for the second time that night, I cried like an idiot.

Castle looked on the verge of tears too as he wrapped me in his arms. When I'd calmed down, he spoke softly. "I need you to work with me here."

"I know." I whispered.

"I mean it." His voice was emotional. "You need to meet me halfway."

"I'm trying, Castle. I promise I'm trying." I melted against him, the sound of his heartbeat comforting me.

"I'm going to hold you to that promise."


	6. Chapter 6

My ribs were on fire. My head was pounding. My fingers had lost all feeling moments ago. As I hung from the roof of the building, facing certain death four stories below, I had no doubt that Castle would come for me. I called for him, trusting that, as he had every time I needed him over the past four years, he would appear and save the day.

As my first hand lost its grip, I called out frantically, a first flash of doubt searing through my thoughts. Had he meant it when he said we were done? Had I let my obsession with my mother's murder drive away the only person who has truly made me happy since she was taken from me?

The blood pounded in my ears as I fell, screaming his name one last time. I felt his strong hands lock onto my wrist and my heart pounded in response to his touch. I fought my way onto the roof and righted myself, expecting to be pulled into his arms… devastated to see Kevin standing before me. I searched the crowd for Castle, knowing he would be there. Needing him to be there.

I felt sick to my stomach as the gravity of what I had done hit me fully. Castle hadn't come. He wouldn't come. I had hurt him so deeply, so completely, that he would rather stay away forever than be subjected to my selfishness and abuse again. He loves me. He is in love with me. A kind, generous, talented man loves me enough to put his own life in danger every day just to be near me and I am too self involved to accept that love. I don't deserve him.

I let myself be led to the Captain's waiting car. I was vaguely aware of Javier seated next to me in the back seat. I was definitely aware of Captain Gates occasional glares in the rear view mirror. The silence in the elevator was tangible. The walk through the precinct to her office was excruciating. When Gates closed the door behind us, she took a long moment to size us up and to organize her thoughts… then she let loose with both barrels.

The Beckett of a few hours before would have taken her words to heart and would have feared for her career. That Beckett would have worried about how she could continue working on the case when she was off the force. That Beckett would have been already formulating a plan for the next step in the investigation. That Beckett would have had it all wrong.

I had a sudden moment of clarity as Gates demanded my badge and my gun. I had a choice in front of me which would determine the course of the rest of my life. I could keep living in the past and allowing one unspeakable act of violence to make me a victim forever or I could let it go. I could let go of the pain and the drive for vengeance. I could stop remembering my mother as a crime scene photo and start remembering her as the woman I had adored.

I could admit to myself that there is nothing shameful in living my own life and trying to be happy. I could open my heart to the man who loves me… to the man I have loved for a long time.

I paused as I took my gun from its holster and made a decision. I resigned without a doubt in my mind. I turned in my gun and my badge and walked right out of her office, not looking back.

I strode to the elevator and, before the doors closed, I had my phone in my hand. I called Castle and listened as it rang once then went to voicemail. "Castle," I said into the phone. "I need to talk to you. Please call me as soon as you get this." I tried to keep the fear out of my voice, but I don't think I did a very convincing job of it.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

The next five calls went directly to voicemail. With each one, I felt the weight in my stomach getting heavier. I saw his face vividly each time his recorded voice come on the line. I longed to hear him say my name. I remembered the smell his after shave. I thought of his smile and tears burned my eyes.

I heard the thunder a moment before the sky opened up. "Perfect." I thought as the rain soaked through my clothes and plastered my hair to my face, but my feet just kept carrying me forward. I walked for blocks and somehow ended up at the very playground, at the very swing set where I had tried desperately to convince Castle not to give up on me. How far had we come? Right back there… wanting desperately for Castle not to give up on me. How many times could I push him to the breaking point and expect him to keep coming back for more? How could I expect him to sit by as I allowed the past to dictate my life… at the expense of our present? Our future?

I sat there, looking at his empty swing, letting the tears fall. For the first time in thirteen years, I wanted a future. I wanted our future… Castle's and mine. I clutched my phone in my hand, wondering what to do next.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

I stood outside Castle's loft, gathering my nerve, listening for anything to indicate that he was home. Damn well-built building with its thick walls and solid doors… I couldn't hear anything. My mind was racing as I ran through all his possible reactions to my arrival. Would he see me and slam the door in my face? He should. Would he pull me into his arms and tell me how wrong he was and how he couldn't bear to be without me. I laughed out loud at that one.

I took a deep breath and dialed his number. My heart pounded wildly as it rang for the first time. When it rang for the second time, I held my breath. Was he looking at my picture on the screen, deciding if he was ready to speak to me? And then it went to his voicemail. He had rejected my call, again. I felt nauseous, pressing my forehead to the door, feeling fresh tears burning in my eyes.

I raised my hand to knock, but couldn't do it. He didn't want to see me. I had hurt him too deeply. I had pushed it too far. My hand fell to my side and I turned. I walked to the elevator but didn't press the button. Instead I leaned back against the wall and slid down until I was sitting on the floor, my head in my hands.

After a minor breakdown, I pulled myself together and struggled against the pain in my ribs to get to my feet. I turned toward the elevator door, breathing deeply, knowing that if I pressed that button, I would be giving up on him… giving up on my one chance at real happiness. I would be giving up on my one chance at life. I would be consciously choosing to rebuild the wall he had been patiently helping me to tear down over the past few years.

No.

I think I said it out loud. I would not go back. I had been working so hard to become the kind of person who could allow herself to be happy. I had been working so hard to let someone in. I had been tearing down that wall, brick by brick, so that I could allow him in. It was all for him.

I turned and walked purposefully to his door and I knocked. I would stay here all night until he spoke to me. Hell, I would stay here forever.

Always.


End file.
